What am I to do?

I try not to get too preoccupied by what people think of me. It used to bother me a lot when I was younger (as early as a decade ago or earlier), but I’ve learned that the problem lies within those that gossip and me obsessing about it doesn’t solve anything. Unfortunately, the worrying has creeped its way back in.

I’m now afraid that the more people learn of my past (things I had no control over), the faster and further away they will be inclined to run from me. My past has played a role in sculpting me, but it does NOT define me! I don’t want to be deemed as someone with “issues” simply based on what they’ve learned about me. I also have a real hard time believing that “everything happens for a reason”. Why in the world would a loving God allow such horrible things to happen? Somebody please tell me how I could benefit from anything grossly negative that happened to me. I don’t have answers and neither does anybody else. And for any Atheist Philosophers out there, I don’t believe in determinism either.

If you’ve read my earlier posts then you’ve gained some insight into my past and probably think what I have mentioned is bad enough. It is bad enough, but that’s only a small piece of the pie. My childhood was so fu**ed up that one would expect me to be deranged. But, I’m not–at least I don’t think I am o_O

My current marriage has screwed me up more than anything. Maybe it’s a cumulative effect. I’m not exactly sure. Whatever the case may be, my husband has put me over the edge! We’ve all heard the saying “Stick and stones may break my bones, but words may never hurt me”. I’m calling bullshit! This man has broken me down to nothing with his words. If I had the choice, I’d prefer a beating over the awful shit he has said and continues to say. It’s easy to start questioning yourself and believing the lies after they’ve been said so many times.

At this point I am so defeated and pissed off that words cannot express how I feel. My plans of leaving the SOB was halted as soon as I learned of my upcoming surgery. Again, I ask “WHY?”. Why, God, why??? I NEED out and my children NEED out ASAP! Surgery plus healing time will put me into November. By then it will be close to Christmas–not the best time to break up a family. Then I think about school, which will be ending soon thereafter. What kind of mother would I be to take my kids out of school toward the end of the year (if I moved out of district)? So now I’m looking at the very earliest being Spring ’14.

I hate this…absolutely despise it! “If only….” If only I had somewhere to go temporarily. There’s so many “If only’s”.  Maybe the best thing would be to delay surgery, get a job, and get the hell out now. But if I stall the surgery, then there’s the  “What if’s?” Will I die from cancer if I wait? You don’t know how much I wish God would speak to me directly! Helpless and hopeless–two of the worst feelings in the world!


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