I choose curtain number . . .


Have you ever watched the game show “Let’s Make A Deal“? The contestants get to choice to give up their winnings for the unknown behind curtains 1, 2, or 3. Only one will be a winner, while the other two are gag gifts. I don’t know if it’s poor choices, wrong timing, or the luck of the draw, but I would unknowingly and unwillingly choose the goat every time!

I had a friend tell me recently that I make my own luck. I’ve pondered that statement a lot. I suppose it is true to an extent; but really, some people are just lucky! I think instead of good luck vs. bad luck, most circumstances weigh more heavily on the extent one is willing to go to make change. Am I really doing all that I can to bring about the change in my life that I so desperately desire? The answer, quite frankly, is NO.

That’s not to say that I’ve done nothing. Of course I could always do more. I could apply for jobs outside of my profession. My kids and I could go to a shelter. There’s more phone calls I could make. You get the idea. The thing is though, I have to be very strategic in my planning. The decisions I make don’t just affect me, but most importantly–my children.

It’s so damn disappointing to get my hopes up on what looks to be promising, only to have that door slammed in my face, too. It’s happened so many times that I’ve given up several times. I’ll get down and out and start believing that this is as good as it gets. That I don’t deserve any better. That for some screwed up reason that’s beyond my comprehension that God wants me to continue living through what feels like hell.

You know what bothers me the most? I keep pushing forward, through every heartache and every road block, only to remain. I’m alive, but not living. I don’t understand why things happen the way they do. How is it that the assholes always end up on top? I don’t want to be that kind of person, but somethings got to give!

Two weeks ago I thought “Ah, things are finally falling into place”. I got a call for an interview on a Wednesday based solely on a friend’s recommendation. I called them early Thursday morning and set the interview up for that following Monday. After the phone call, I took a quick shower and then drove back up to see my grandpa. I hadn’t been away from him long. I just left his home at 2am the same day and arrived back at his place around noon only to be too late! He died less than an hour before I got there. To make matters worse, I brought my brother home with me that morning. Now I also live with the guilt that it’s my fault that my brother wasn’t there.

knew nothing about arrangements surrounding a death, but I quickly learned. I took on everything out of love for my grandparents. They spent nearly 50 years of their lives together. My grandma was in no shape to worry about a thing. It’s been difficult, but you do what you have to do, right? Even while taking on these huge responsibilities, I still finished my résumé and went to the interview. I felt I owed my friend that much.

It’s been a week since the interview and I still haven’t received the call back that I was promised. My upcoming surgery probably did me in. I couldn’t lie about it though. I think they’d be pretty ticked off had I started working immediately and dropped the bomb a couple of weeks in that I would off for 3-6 weeks.  My chances of getting that particular job is looking pretty unlikely.

My focus now? Get through my grandpa’s service this weekend–my first cremation service I might add. Then make a speedy recovery following my surgery on Monday. After that, well, I guess I’ll be back to choosing curtains. Hopefully this time I’ll come out a winner!

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